Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
