Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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