I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
