I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I want to fling myself into the sun
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
