i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I need moral support for this bender
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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