took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
