I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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