Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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