Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
