I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
