remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
