i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
