I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
