you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
