Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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