i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
