Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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