Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
