I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
