Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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