You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
