Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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