dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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