Having a random hookup so left but love u
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
