Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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