Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
