I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
