You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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