1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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