no, he came in my armpit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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