My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
