i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
