Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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