A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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