I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
