yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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