Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
