he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
