I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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