My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
