got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
