I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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