I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
