you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
