Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
