god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
