So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
