i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
