I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
