Sponge bath it is.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
