I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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