mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
