My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
