gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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