Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize