You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
